How to Body-Slam Appointment Anxiety: The 3 Round Fight

Got to get that dentist appointment booked, but seriously considering getting out the pliers instead? Or perhaps it’s a doctor’s appointment, but you’ve started looking up YouTube videos on how to carry out minor surgery at home? (I mean, how hard is a ganglion to sort, anyway?)

Don’t worry. The Luchadora Litigator has got your back with a guide to battling the system. When the appointment anxiety creeps in, just come back here and take a deep breath.

1. The First Round: Use the Internet I know, I know, typical millennial, afraid to pick up the phone. But let’s be honest, the internet is convenient, quick, and doesn’t hiss at you angrily.  Wherever possible, get those appointments booked online. I once booked an entire birthday evening online in about 10 minutes, had all the email confirmations through, and all the venues were expecting me on the day. Absolute win.

2. The faceoff  (Go in Person): So the internet has let you down, and the website says, “To make an appointment give us a call or come on down.” If this is your option, always do it in person. This is better for a number of reasons: Not only can you be sure someone will deal with you, but you also get all the visual feedback that face-to-face contact gives.

3. The Main Event – Sigh… Pick Up the F***ing Phone: So we’ve tried online, but we’re fresh out of luck. You want to go in person, but you know that (like at most doctors’ receptionists) turning up will result in vampire-like hissing as they recoil from the sunlight.
   In which case you will, prepare yourself, have to pick up the phone.
   If you’ve been backed into this worst of all options, here is your battle plan.
   • a. Recon – Know Your Enemy’s Opening Times: Might seem obvious, but do you know when the phones are open? You might wrongly assume most places operate 9am-5pm. Wrong. Doctor’s surgeries decide to open their phonelines at 8 am, just when you’re on the school run. Dentists open at 9 or 9.30. Either way both must have a mandatory 1-hour lunch break where not a single person can man the phones on a staggered break. Why would they be helpful and answer phones when full-time employees have their only time for personal errands? That would be too convenient.
     Oh, and are you sure you know the days they are open? My doctors have a mandatory “training” half-day EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. Because again, everyone must be trained simultaneously. There can be no rota; that would simply deprive them of important PowerPoints and buzzwords. So yes, checking opening times is critical.
   • b. The Stamina Test – Prepare for the Hold Muzak: So you know the timing, you’re ready to dial, and… you’re on hold. It’s time to test your mental stamina, because most places will leave you hanging for 10, 20, 30 minutes. This is when you show your mettle. We all know the terrible muzak isn’t just cheap; it’s a way of weeding out the weak. They want you to suffer. Call it customer service karma for the terrible customers they have to deal with.
     Whatever the reason, settle in. Put it on loudspeaker and get on with something else. Tune it out. (Bonus: If you just get an engaged tone or a call that rings and then cuts out, you need to double down. Start experimenting with ringing at all different times, or try calling a different number within the same organisation, hoping to be transferred to an actual human.)
   • c. The Counter-Move – Know Your Timetable: There’s nothing worse than finally getting through, only to be met with a person so keen to get you off the phone that you can’t remember your own name. Stay calm. Remember your availability. You just spent 30 minutes in phone hell; you are not calling again to change the date. Before you even call, have a post-it note of all the dates you need to avoid (work, husband, childcare). When they hit you with a random date, you can fall back on your crib sheet.
   • d. Get a Verbal Contract – Repeat, Repeat, Repeat: When you get a date and time, repeat it back to them. They might think you’re being slow, but who cares? You’re the one who will have to call back and face “Opus No1” again if you’re wrong. (Google it. You’ll know the song. It resonates hard as your mind descends into madness). Whenever key information is given, thank them, repeat it back, and get them to confirm.
   • e. The Closing Argument – Check What You Need: You’ve made it. You have the appointment. DO NOT HANG UP. First check: Do you need to bring anything? What floor is it on? Do you need to fast? Do you need a full bladder? (As the proud survivor of two NHS births, I’ve done countless maternity appointments with varying requirements, some of which changed month to month).
     Ask the questions. Don’t be embarrassed. Remember: You are the client. You are the customer. Would you settle for wandering around a restaurant hoping to find a table and some food? No! You expect customer service. It should be no different for the Council, the dentist, or the GP. If you keep in your head that you are the client, you’re more likely to take the right attitude: They need to service your needs. So ask questions to your heart’s content.

Now you’re fully prepared to pick up that phone. Then all you need to do is attend the appointment (stay tuned for that guide, coming soon!)

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Takedown Checklist

1. Try Online or In-Person First!
2. Check the Number
3. Recon Enemy Opening Times (including training days and lunch!)
4. Have Time to Wait (Settle in for the long haul)
5. Outlast the Hold Muzak! Keep calling.
6. Have Your Post-It Note Ready (Know your free dates)
7. Get Your Verbal Contract (Repeat everything back)
8. Find Out Where You Are Going
9. Make Your “Closing Argument” (Check what else you need)