The Gremlin Gauntlet: A Luchadora’s Sweep of the Kid’s Morning Routine

So, you mastered your morning. You’re a “bad boss b*tch” or an “ice cold dude” who has it all figured out.

Then, BOOM. A toddler lands in your bed at 3 am. WHAM. A newborn is screaming in the crib next to you.

And guess what? That 5 am yoga, your refreshing chai latte, and those energising carrot protein balls? They are now, literally and figuratively, down the toilet.

Do you cry “woe is me” when you wake up to a toddler’s foot in your back? No. You’re a fighter. We regroup. We replan the routine.

Sleep deprivation is the enemy. It’s the “Enjoy them! They’re only this small once!” brigade. Right, thanks, Sharon. I’m really “enjoying” this creature who just vomited on my chest, kept me awake all night, and will restart screaming if I dare move from this spine-twisting position that’s leaving me permanently deformed.

When you’re in the trenches, it’s hard to see past the horror. But being organised can alleviate the fog. The Luchadora Litigator is here to re-optimise your routine. This is your new battle plan.

1. The Sleep Training Question (aka The Controversial Bit) As you know, I approach kids like any other organisational issue: a challenge to be managed. That means I sleep-trained both of mine as early as I could reasonably do so. Yes, some people are “vehemently opposed.” They say it’s “not natural.” If that’s you, and your “natural” approach is working, this particular blog post isn’t for you. Godspeed. But if you’re outwardly horrified at “training” a newborn while inwardly screaming “DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME,” then do your research and find a program. My only command is this: whatever you choose, stick with it. Chopping and changing benefits no one: not you, and not the kids.
2. Prep Like a Doomsday Prepper Your fight begins the night before. Get the kids’ clothes lined up. Get the school bags, nursery bags, PE bags, World Book Day outfits, and whatever other random sh*t the school texts you about at the last minute. Don’t let yourself go to bed until it’s all sorted and in a pile by your front door.
3. Add 20 Minutes to Your Wake-Up Time Our household has to be out the door just after 7:30 am. An hour should be enough time. It never is. We get up at 6 am. The golden rule still applies: Get YOUR own sh*t together first, ideally before the little gremlins are awake. Then, I go into each room and turn on the main light. Harsh? Maybe. Necessary? Definitely.
4. The Extraction Once the lights are on, drag each child out of bed. For our family 6am seems to be the reverse witching hour when they’d prefer to be asleep. Getting their feet on the floor doesn’t work; they’re quite happy to lie in a heap. This is a masterful skill of clothing removal from, essentially, a sack of potatoes.
5. Dress to… Just Get Dressed Parenting a toddler is a gold-medal contention for Greco-Roman wrestling. These bast- ahem, little angels, twist and turn quicker than any wrestler. Just when you think you’ve got the upper hand, they’ve contorted themselves into a submission hold on your neck or genitals. My advice? Distraction. “My god, there’s a dragon loose in the house, burning everything!” is a good way to slip on a T-shirt… okay, so that one might cause longer-term trauma. The principle of “Hey, look, a bird!” stands.
6. The Toothbrush Takedown We are at two very different stages. We have our 6-year-old, who happily brushes. And then there is our 3-year-old, where toothbrushing is like going 20 rounds with Mike Tyson, leaving you broken. Like all good communist countries, my suggestion is a bribe. We try the “Kumbayah” happy-family approach. This works 1 time out of 20. The other 19 times, we resort to the simple bribe: “Let me brush your teeth and I’ll let you watch some Pokémon.” The absolute last resort is holding him and trying your best not to feel like you’re waterboarding him with toothpaste.
7. Breakfast of Champions This is where my husband and I tag-team. Whilst one of us is doing steps 5 and 6, the other is downstairs getting breakfast ready. This helps prevent the “Schrödinger’s child” conundrum (them wanting both the Weetabix and the hoops). We get it dished out and on the table before they are down to protest. Everyone sits at the table. Even if you’re not a breakfast person, sit with them. Have a cup of tea. This reinforces that it’s mealtime, and it lets you monitor food intake and chivvy them along.
8. Hair & Final Inspection Often overlooked, giving your child a quick hairbrush is helpful to keep them looking tidy and at least keep social services off your back. (I am partly kidding). My eldest is fine. My youngest runs like you are brandishing a knife. You get points for trying. This is also a good opportunity to give everyone the once-over: T-shirts on the right way, socks matching, and breakfast cereal removed (where visible).
9. Prevent the “Un-doing” If you’ve managed to do all of this with time to spare, congratulations. This is a new danger phase, called the “un-doing.” This is where kids rapidly undo all your hard work: removing school jumpers, smearing food they have concealed on their clothes, or removing hairbands. This is usually because they’re bored. Fend it off. Bubbles and balloons are the current best bet in our house as they are quick, easy entertainment without a new tidy-up headache.
10. Out the Door (Divide and Conquer) Trying to get two of them out the door and into the car is like herding Dorys from Finding Nemo. You will end up in a Benny Hill-style chase with the toddler around the car. The only solution is to divide and conquer. One of us gets all the bags into the cars. Then we each take responsibility for strapping a child into the car seat. If you’re solo, you must prioritise: bags first, then children. Do not try to do it all at once.

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Takedown Checklist

1. Sleep Train. Or don’t. But pick a lane and stick to it.
2. Prep like it’s the apocalypse.
3. Wake up 20 minutes earlier than you think you need.
4. Drag them out of bed. Turn on the harsh lights.
5. Distract and Dress (the “dragon” is optional).
6. Bribe for teeth. (This is a pro-Pokémon space).
7. Tag-Team Breakfast. Serve before they can protest.
8. Final Inspection (and avoid social services).
9. Prevent the “Un-doing” with bubbles.
10. Divide and Conquer. No Benny Hill sketches.